Only 68 days to go before that rag-tag crème puff children’s militia The Girl Scouts start selling their evil cookies again. Why is that you say? Well, Girl Scout cookies still contain Hydrogenated Palm Oil, sourced by deforesting vast areas of tropical rainforest, the home of the beloved Orangutang. Way to look after the planet Girl Scouts, I mean it’s only our closest animal relative.
Hydrogenation, complete or partial, is a chemical process in which hydrogen is added to liquid oils to turn them into a solid form. Sounds delish. Partially hydrogenated fat molecules have trans fats and are the worst type of fat you can consume. They are particularly bad for your heart health and can increase your “bad” low density cholesterol. Some of the more unusual side effects are “sleep eating”, usually involving the consumption of large quantities of protein bars (because you mistakenly believe they are healthy), restless leg syndrome and loose stools. I had a loose stool once and realized one of the legs was not correctly attached to the seat.
For every box sold, 85 cents goes to the baker to cover production, packaging, and shipping of the cookies to the militia. Out of the remaining $2.65, 50 to 57 cents goes to the selling militia, which uses some of the funds to cover the cost of the program. GS of America is clearly a for-profit corporation which skirts labor laws and makes money off the backs of unpaid child labor and then rewards them by taking them camping where they get to sing songs around a camp fire and defecate in a bucket. Children in many African countries get to do that for free.
One of my fondest memories was this little girl outside Albertsons selling cookies and I suddenly realized that I didn’t have any cash on me. With a tear in my eye I had to tell her no and this made her very sad, so I decided to do the right thing, went to an ATM, came back, waved the money in her face and shouted “stop killing monkey’s you evil child”.
My other memory was not so fond, a cute little Girl Scout came to my door and said “Hi! My name is Sally and I’m a Girl Scout. This is a nice place you have here. It’d be a shame if something happened to it. How many boxes of cookies are you going to buy?”
So who makes these cookies? Well several little old lady’s across the country make the cookies using only natural ingredients………..ok not true…….. 2 companies are licensed to produce the cookies, Little Brownie Bakers (LBB), a subsidiary of Keebler, which is owned by Kellogg’s, which is a very small local company…sorry…it’s a huge company which makes shit cereal and ABC Bakers, a subsidiary of Interbake Foods, another huge food company that bakes slow painful death.
A home made chocolate chip cookie contains these ingredients:
Butter,chocolate chips, sugar,eggs,flour, baking soda and salt….that’s it
Meanwhile a Girl Scout cookie contains the following nasty stuff.
Enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), sugar, vegetable oil shortening (palm kernel and palm oils), cocoa (processed with alkali), caramel color, high fructose corn syrup, salt, baking soda, soy lecithin, peppermint oil, natural and artificial flavor.
We must conclude:
Corporations are all evil.
Girl scout cookies are made by corporations, and are a major health risk.
Therefore girl scouts are evil and corporations are bastards.